Insight
by RT4ever
Summary: Short little challenge piece. What drives Logan Cale?
1. Part One

Okay so disclaimer:

This is a challenge set forth by Reilynn (quite graciously after my whining for a new challenge) over on the DA: Reflections Board. The challenge was to write in a part for August Weatherly in Season One. So the fact that there is a child in this story is so not my fault, since it has been pointed out on numerous occasions that I do tend to include them at some point in every story. Of course that being said means I've used up most my basics already, stray kid, babysitting duties and lab created. So give it a read and tell me what you think.

Timeline: Shortly after Cape Haven.

* * *

Insight

She stood before his door, hesitant.

It wasn't as if it was the first time that she lingered, but she found herself doing it for different reasons now…

He was better now, almost starting to return to the person he had struggled to become after he'd lost his legs. _Almost, but not quite._ Part of her blamed herself, part of her blamed all the creeps that had benefited in the scandal that had almost cost Logan his life, but part of her blamed him. Blamed him for being so foolish, so blind. He saw the one thing he didn't have and none of what he did.

They had been on the verge of something hadn't they? That something that lingered in the air even before he started getting feeling back that she could barely admit to herself, let alone anyone else. _ Maybe she hadn't even seen it until it was ripped from her._

She'd been scared of what tomorrow was going to bring after he stood before her for the first time in five months. He was so beautiful because he was finally happy and at peace, but that changed, he changed again.

_They'd skipped over tomorrow. _

And here she was still forcing her old façade into place even though she just had this overwhelming urge to just sit and hold him and verbally and repeatedly remind him just how amazing he was. That wasn't her though, she wasn't soft and he wouldn't believe it as anything else besides from pity.

Her sidekick was making a return appearance on his own, with a little aid by proving his masculinity and use by saving her life.

She pushed open his door, it slid silently as always without the creak and grunts of the doors in her building, Kendra referred to them as their very own alarm system which she'd followed with a laugh, 'Of course if we had a single thing for a burglar to steal we wouldn't be living in this dump,' Logan did so his system was a little more high tech meaning he could skip the squeaks.

She didn't call out immediately as she walked through the doorway, he was laughing, a low steady laugh. Something she had become unused to hearing from him. It startled her into silence as it placed a small smile on her lips hearing it, _hearing him be happy._

She walked towards it, towards the living room.

He was on the floor, his back to her, still laughing in between zooming a little plastic car up an on-ramp. The person Max assumed the owner of the parking garage sitting across from him, a kid, small kid, though she couldn't offhand place the age, the only thing she could tell about the person who had done what she had been unable to do was he had a mop of curly brown hair with a golden twinge reminding her of a halo…Maybe Ben really was right about the Blue Lady, maybe she'd sent her an angel.

She paused, she hadn't meant to, it was just one of those moments that felt so right and was so beautiful it required her to take a moment before attempting to join in without breaking the mood.

"Here I go," Logan said as his car reached the top and the little boy looked up as the car started its descent.

He started watching, but his eyes had already moved over to Max and held a confused look as Logan quickly reclaimed the car as it reached the end of its run and promptly smashed it into another car complete with sound effects and cars flying. His eyes were familiar, one of the benefits of all of Manticore's tweaking, she could easily see eye color from across the room, a mix of blue and green that she couldn't place outright, there was just a sense of familiarity.

"Who are you?" he asked his interest in the toy quickly forgotten.

"What-" Logan was beginning to ask as she caught that first glimpse of worry as his head and body turned towards her, the relief at seeing her and not an actual stranger shown before the "oh" passed his lips, then something else, a hesitancy on his own part.

"I'm Max," she said with a smile, skipping over any directions being posed at Logan knowing the kid would prefer her direct interaction, despite her preferences, "who are you?" she asked it back it with a head tilt towards him.

_Kid didn't falter, _"Ben," he answered.

That startled her, thinking about her brother and suddenly hearing his name from this self assured little angel, _what were the chances? _Her mouth was slightly open as she stared at the kid staring back at her, wondering who he was, wondering what his parents had gotten themselves into. Then again maybe that sense of familiarity came from the wedding she hadn't really gotten much of a chance to check out all the family pictures since she'd been too busy trying to save Normal's ass, _though why she still didn't really get. _

There was a look in Logan's eyes as she sought him out looking for answers that she couldn't really place, but he quickly wiped it from view and his normal attitude returned, "Max, this is my son Ben," he turned with a smile and nod to the young boy whose eyes suddenly made more sense. "Ben, this is my friend, Max," he repeated their former introductions with explanations.

Which explained nothing at all and left her full of questions.

* * *

**I was going to do this all nice and complete in one shot like Embedded (yes that had once been nice and short), but seeing how Shywr1ter is posting in parts figured I would to. That and I promised Maria I would write it and I didn't want her to think I backed out.**


	2. Part Two

Time slowed.

_Son?_

That word, son had just come out of Logan's mouth hadn't it?

'Max this is my son, Ben.'

Maybe she'd hit her head and didn't remember it or someone slipped something into her soda at work.

_Son?_

Logan had a son.

Her mind was stuck on that and forgot the anger and attitude that was supposed to emerge. She was pretty sure if she looked in a mirror right now her entire head would now be blonde that was the only reason to explain how her mind was stuck on repeat.

She'd asked. She had to have asked after Valerie, _any other ex's buried deep within one of Margo's walk in cedar closets? _Any more ex's or kids she should know about…She had to have asked that. At least after Daphne…_Right, she'd asked? _

Maybe she thought she hadn't had to ask after finding out about not only an ex-wife, but an ex-fiancée and now a kid. That meant he'd been in enough of a relationship with someone to have a kid. That was a lot for someone who was only 31 wasn't it? _Wait how old was the kid?_

Another look at the kid that was now starting to hold a vague similarity to Logan. Four, five? When had he divorced Valerie? Before Eyes Only he'd said, when was that? 2 years? Almost three?

How long had they been married? The plethora of questions started to slow as the real question was starting to settle into her head, _did she know anything at all about Logan? _

Her head turned back to Logan, who was viewing her with guarded eyes as he prepared for her reaction.

_Nothing she had to say could be said in front of a kid_, she quickly realized as he said her name trying to elicit any type of reaction from her.

"Hey Ben," he said still looking at Max, "why don't you start getting dressed. Your mom should be back soon."

"But-" he began and both adults looked over at him.

"Get dressed now and maybe you'll have some more time to play before your mom gets back," Logan reasoned.

Seemed to work with the kid because while he sighed, he stood.

She didn't watch the kid disappear out of the room, her gaze immediately returned to Logan still sitting on the floor next to the chaotic mess of small cars which had been flying for almost an hour.

She half expected him to move, proving at just what a limited capacity her brain was functioning at. There was no way he'd return himself to the chair with her looking, it wasn't a quick easy seamless movement as transferring over to the couch was, it made him vulnerable and weak in his eyes, something he was never okay with.

"Cute kid," she said looking down at him.

"Thank you," he nodded

The air was tense as they just looked at each other, Max suddenly realizing she couldn't say any of those things that had just run through her head without too appearing weak.

"Guess after Valerie I really shouldn't be surprised anymore," the pain didn't creep out, just the attitude, the pain was inside, _he would never share anymore with her than he wanted or had to, _that's how this relationship worked.

"Neither were really applicable."

"Your son?" this time the attitude was true.

"He doesn't live here; there was no need for you to know about him. He just got in last night, his mother decided to surprise me."

"Probably thought you'd tell her not to come otherwise," she said offhandedly barely even thinking about.

He looked startled for a split second as she nailed it dead on, his face returned to its normal impassive expression, "Probably would have."

_This conversation is going nowhere fast_, she thought looking down at his hardened stance, pretty funny considering she's just seen and heard him laughing and smiling and apparently doing more than just a decent impression of someone who was actually happy. "Where does he live?"

"With his mother just outside of Paris."

"As in France?"

"My mother's family is from there."

Another moment of dead silence.

"So you were never going to mention you had a kid?"

"I haven't seen him in almost three years Max."

"You haven't seen your own kid since he was what, two?" her voice raised a decibel. She might have thought a lot about Logan, but deadbeat dad wasn't one of them.

"Seattle isn't exactly the type of place to raise a child Max."

"Yet there are like a hundred thousand," she said with a quick bob of her head.

"Actually estimates put it more around 70."

Her eyes turned dark for that, now wasn't the time for Logan's ever present facts, "Seventy thousand Logan and you ship your kid off to France? What happened to all of that patriotic bs you're always giving me?"

"Max most kids don't have parents who have bull's-eyes painted on their foreheads."

Their anger levels had both risen to levels that were about to lead them to saying things they were about to regret.

"I should see if Ben needs any help," he pulled his chair in closer and shifted closer to the coffee table for leverage and he quickly returned himself to the chair and adjusted himself not all wavering on the outside.

She stood in the living room continuing to seethe for a second as Logan headed off to the smaller of the guest rooms. She followed after him, not really knowing what to do alone in the living room aside from just fume, she wasn't letting him off the hook this easily and she was damn sure going to make him aware of that. Another funny fact since just moments before she'd just wanted to stand and absorb his happiness.

She walked in behind him and her face caught the same smile as his as they saw the mop of hair bent over as Ben sat on the bed in khakis and a polo trying to make his little fingers follow the rules his mind knew about tying a shoe, the pout on his face obvious as he focused. That single minded determination she saw was used to seeing in Logan.

"Need some help?" Logan asked as he slowly wheeled towards his son.

Ben looked up, the annoyance present in his eyes, just like Logan. Only in his case they were clumsy little fingers that weren't complying with his mind instead of legs. He didn't say anything just shifted his legs out from the contortionist pose he had shifted them into trying to get closer to his feet.

Logan chuckled slightly seeing that petulant expression, Jacinda often did the same with Omar, never meaning to laugh but being unable not to.

"I can't get them tight enough," he said as Logan's fingers were quickly looping around each other tying the first shoe.

"Probably the laces," Logan said with a more serious expression, "they're slipperier than your sneakers."

The kid continued to frown, still not being satisfied with that answer. _For someone who hadn't spent much time around Logan kid certainly seemed to have picked up on more than a few of his traits. _

"Thank you," he muttered as his final foot was returned to him.

Logan smiled again softly, "Come on belt and sweater," he said moving back.

"Do I have to?" he asked sliding off the bed.

"Belt yes, you can skip the sweater if you want to put on a tie."

The kid frowned as Logan moved to the bed to claim them and turned facing his son, who was once more not looking happy.

Max watched as Logan tucked in the back of the shirt and then his more nimble fingers threaded the belt through the loops as his son turned with his arms up. She realized she'd somehow softened as she watched Ben once more raise up his arms and bend forward as Logan put on his sweater vest and then un-tuck the collars of his shirt.

_Ten to one odds, the outfit was going to be completed with a navy blazer, _she thought to herself as she caught sight of the completed very preppy outfit she viewed Logan's son looking rather uncomfortable in.

"Do I have to go?" he asked once his father was done.

"I'm afraid so, it won't be that bad, just dinner," Logan said attempting to figure out how to semi tame his son's hair, but quickly realizing the only way he could accomplish that was wetting it, more torture than his son deserved especially considering what already lay ahead of him. "Good news is you're done so you can go play until your mom comes home," he frowned as he finished saying that catching sight of the clock realizing she should be here by now.

-o-o-o-

"I'm late," a voice called out as the front door flung open adding a new noise to the otherwise silent apartment aside from Ben zooming the cars around the floor ignoring what that would be doing to his pant legs. "I am sooo late, god I feel like the white rabbit; my aunt's going to kill me. I completely lost track of time. Ben I need you to go get dressed, I laid out-" the speaker of the voice stopped in the entryway to the living room as she had a hand raised up to her ear removing an earring. "Hi," she said frozen in the position as she viewed Max sitting on the back of the couch as she and Logan stayed a good six feet away from each other not talking to each other, just occasionally commenting and praising Ben as he played.

Max took in the other woman, who looked o be around her height but in heels, brown hair laced with blonde highlights that held a slight wave, but the front was in a loose curl. Her eyes a vivid soft blue that took in Max the same as she was being taken in. She wore a red, slim-fitted button down that was tucked into a gray skirt. She was in short, exactly the type of woman Max would have expected Logan to be with.

"I'm already dressed," Ben said from the floor and Max realized he hadn't run to his mother as she was used to most kids his age doing, hadn't even enthusiastically greeted her. _Codependence was obviously not an issue in this family. _

"Oh," she said looking over slightly shocked. "Hi, I'm Beth," she said moving towards the couch with a bright smile as she outstretched her hand.

Max stepped off and met the handshake, "Max."

"I'm really late," she said with her smile turning into laughter. "I don't mean to be rude, but if I don't get dressed now, my head's going to be served for dinner," she nodded.

"I understand," Max continued to smile back and made sure to throw a small laugh.

"We're going in five minutes Ben, get your coat," she said calling out over her shoulder as she hurried out of the room.

Ben groaned as Max stood stoically once more refusing to show the weakness she'd wanted to show also upon meeting Valerie. Beth was different though, not only did she have a past and child with Logan she wasn't at all like Valerie. Ignoring the alcoholism and probably the fuckin' around, Valerie was nice, pretty yes, she might have been funny and charming, (though Max still had to take Bling's opinion on that because she hadn't seen it), but she hadn't been Logan's equal. Trophy wife, sweet wife that looked like she'd have dinner waiting on the table upon his return from work, Logan probably would have bored with her eventually if their marriage hadn't been wracked with problems. Beth though was strong, in charge, nice but not a pushover. Intelligent, Max could see it in her eyes and certainly his class equal, Max saw that in how she held herself.

She suddenly couldn't figure out why she'd stuck around. She didn't want to know the answers anymore. She didn't want to hear what he was going to say, she was pretty sure she wasn't going to like it.

* * *

**AN: Okay if you can't figure out I just described MW's ex, Amelia Heinle. I debated against it for awhile, but I decided since I'd seen them as actors before they were together and I watched them as actors after they were together I should get to use her. Not to mention the character she plays now would just make a really good basis for this character.**

**Thanks for reading folks. **

**Oh and no, this is a short story so no one make any other threats of it turning into something longer. Babyangel tricked me into that last time and I'm not falling for it again. And you've got to love when some are telling me I'm too prolific and others and telling and emailing me, ordering me to write faster. Oh and you all know you look like idiots trying to entertain kids, everything you think about yourself and your actions go out the window trying to keep a kid happy. :-D **


	3. Part Three

Life with Logan meant dealing entirely in the gray. 

With everyone and everything else, the answer was almost always clear cut.

Logan meant questions.

This time basically the stay or go question. Appear to be weak by storming out, which could always just be attributed to her hothead temper. Or appear to be weak by staying and risk showing how much this was hurting her.

She knew what she would normally do, a few harsh comments meant to dig into him and hopefully do some damage and then escape. But that meant waiting. Waiting for picture perfect Beth to be ready, watch as Logan hugged his son goodbye and maybe recieved a kiss from her. She didn't know if she could stay strong through all that. A few minutes she could handle, remarks shot off so fast he'd barely have a chance to respond or at least she'd be too fired up to hear them.

Waiting though.

Waiting weakens you. Allows you to realize just how insignificant you are…Unimportant… Inadequate.

_Waiting couldn't happen. _

"I'm going. I'm sure you'll page me when something 'applicable' comes up. 'Course I might not be around to hear it," she spun on her heel before he could even blink.

"Max," he called out as she was already halfway down the hall.

It startled her for a quick moment, but she didn't turn. He didn't want her back, he realized he'd just pissed off his resident cat burglar and bodyguard, it wasn't Max, the person/friend, he was calling. That person didn't exist to him and she wouldn't let it hurt.

She refused to let him hurt her again.

ooOoo

He didn't page.

He didn't call.

She started wondering about packing up and heading out. She'd been staying because of him, she wasn't dumb, she knew that. Sure she loved all her peeps, she loved having a tiny bit of honesty about her life that she'd probably never get again.

If she left though she'd be given back her family.

Sure no real x-5 reunions, but the chance to hear their voices again, maybe see them from time to time. The one thing she'd wanted for a full decade and she didn't take it because someone had to keep Logan safe from himself. At least that was the reason she'd mostly convinced herself of over the past two days, every time she'd look down and it was another page from Normal.

Then he paged.

Then he paged again.

Wasn't as if her curiosity hadn't been piqued upon the first page, she wasn't going to go running back though. Second page doubled it and she'd started to think not responding was making her look more affected than she was…Or at least more affected than she wanted to be. So on the third page she called back almost an hour later.

"You paged?" she said curtly upon hearing his greeting.

"Three times in fact," attitude came dripping from his voice as well as if he had any right to be at all annoyed.

"I was busy."

"Great, I'll pass that along to the families that were displaced when the owner had their building firebombed to evict them."

_How the hell did he manage to turn this around on her? _As if she was supposed to save every innocent person in this city. "Ever try the cops Logan?"

"I did, they got the guy after the fact, got him so good he's dead, can't testify as to who paid him."

"I'm sure you'll figure out another way to link them together, you always do," iciness and attitude dripped from her voice.

"I certainly could if someone could bug his house since he's looking for a new arsonist, but everyone I know that seems to fit the description is too busy."

"Are you trying to guilt me into breaking into this guy's house?"

"All depends, is it working?" his voice held a wisp of being charming that she refused to pay attention to.

"This is supposed to be quid pro quo Logan, yet I seem to be the only one doing the giving."

"Well unfortunately trying to track down a handful of highly trained soldiers who have managed to evade the most elite field of the military for the past decade is a little difficult. So is trying to track down an anonymous woman who was born in the late seventies, early eighties, who stayed in a psychiatric hospital sometime in 2000? Thinking about it again, I can see how you'd think I'd have something to tell you on a regular basis."

He didn't hang up, she knew he was tempted to, he needed her though, he wouldn't let his pride get in the way. After all if he hadn't let something as pesky as his own life get in the way of helping the helpless, he wasn't about to start now with his pride.

She didn't hang up either. She knew the reason for that as well. _She wasn't ready for it to be over. _Over seven months of this guy being in her life somehow, even if it were just that haunting memory of watching as bullets were plugged into his back. For some reason she wasn't ready for him to just be a memory again, she wouldn't let her mind think of why though.

"Max?" his voice held a trance of tentativeness when she didn't respond as he wondered if she was still there.

"When do you want to do this?" her words were clear and crisp, they wouldn't have betrayed any emotions if they hadn't been tense, a reflection of her steeled spine held as it had once been when Lydecker was commanding her, shielding her weakness from him.

"Stop by around 8? I should have the blueprints by then."

"Fine," she said and hung up before hearing his parting.

ooOoo

"Hey," was the voice that greeted Max as the door swung open and Max was once more greeted with Beth's smile and bright blue eyes.

She smiled in return, "Nice to see you again." _No it wasn't. _That was a lieIt was even worse now, at least before Beth had looked slightly disheveled, she hadn't been at the top of her game. She was now, not only was she prepared for the other woman's arrival; she wasn't in the process of changing her outfit walking into the apartment this time. She was dressed in a simple black dress, v-neck, cap sleeves, it fell just past her knees, highlighting her delicate features and Max had been informed by many different men that softness was highly regarded by males. If Max hadn't already been aware she was more truck driver than beauty queen she was now.

"Logan and Ben are in the dining room," she was still smiling as she turned pointing a finger down the hall as she started to lead the way.

Max followed refusing to allow her mind to pay attention to just how uncomfortable this was being brought to Logan like an employee.

"Hey," Beth called out as Ben walked into view in the kitchen, face down as his attention was focused on the small screen of his palm sized video game, "I thought your father-"

Ben's eyes didn't even get the chance to flicker up as Logan began to speak before he came into view, "I need to talk to Max, I told him he could play for another half hour."

"Okay," Beth said her voice holding only the barest trace of confusion/interest, clear to all she'd learned not to ask some time ago. "Hey, at least go sit down," she said running a hand over the back of her son's curls, "I don't want you walking into any walls." He started to walk away and Beth caught on to the back of his navy blue tee shirt which matched his plaid pajama bottoms, "Hit pause and say hello to Miss-" she looked up and over at Max.

"Max is good," she nodded. "Hi Ben," she said catching the green/blue eyes rolling upward once the game was paused.

"Hi Max," he said before looking up at his mom before shifting back to his dad to save him.

"Living room," Logan said, "bed in half an hour."

The kid frowned, but moved to do as his father said.

"Hello," Beth said with wide eyes, "can I get a goodbye?"

The game lowered to his side and a slight sigh released, "Bye Mom," he said with a nod.

She laughed and ducked down to his level, "Bye sweetie," she said tucking back his hair, "be good for your dad, I don't want to hear any stories tomorrow about you giving him a hard time about bed."

"I won't," he looked up at her once more woefully.

"Go play your game," she laughed.

Max smiled as Ben quickly turned disappearing towards the living room not willing to jeopardize anymore of his game time for the adults.

Beth just sighed and shook her head as she smiled, "I'll be home in a few hours, call my cell if you need me." She turned to Max, "Nice meeting you again."

"Likewise," Max smiled, all this time fake smiling for tips was really starting to pay off.

ooOoo

"Anything to eat, drink?" Logan asked a few seconds later as Beth's footsteps disappeared down the hall.

She shook her head now, "I've got plans for tonight so I'd really just like to get this over with."

"Everything's by the computer," he said with a nod in that direction.

ooOoo

She pushed open his front door just over an hour after she'd left. He'd asked her to just come in since before she'd done something completely out of the norm and rang the doorbell in deference to the fact he was no longer the sole occupant of this apartment. No doorbell now though since there should be a sleeping kid if Logan had stuck to the rules.

The kid seemed to be quiet though like his father, so she wasn't sure if he wasn't still just tucked into the corner of the couch also like his father captivated by technology.

Her head poked into Logan's office first expecting to see him as always doing something to help the helpless. He wasn't. She passed through it and into the vacant living room before turning to go to the small room she knew to be Ben's.

Logan was stopped at the corner of the bed as if he'd been leaving the room, but had to turn back for one final look at the sleeping boy, who in sleep really did resemble that angel Max had suspected him of being at first. He was curled up at the edge of the bed, sleeping on his side, Max was assuming the stack of books on his nightstand was his reason for the position and like Omar he'd done everything in his power to stay awake until the last possible second.

She watched Logan a few seconds longer, safely knowing he didn't realize she was there. She'd easily skipped over his security system and the drapes were shut preventing him from being alerted to her presence. She watched him leaning forward watching his son before turning return to his office and drop off the tools and blueprints he'd given her.

_Once more life with Logan meant dealing entirely in the gray and she had no idea how to live that way._

_

* * *

_

**AN: One more part and then this is done I swear. Thanks for reading guys.**

Babyangel: Hmm E&O more of a love/hate thing, I hate having to make decisions and that story makes me have to make decisions.

Kyre: Snooze time? You gave up snooze time? I can't figure out if that's a really big compliment or you're just really insane…I mean snooze time…god those few minutes are amazing.

Idlehands: Haha no studying of children aside from the normal staring and wondering why their parent isn't watching them while I'm on line somewhere. All kids in these stories are generally based upon me (or my best friend's kid, whom I'm told entertaining stories of). Mostly me though since my mother's nicknames for me were Tornado and Lion. Hell Brittany is basically me in HS, spoiled, completely positive the world revolves around them, stubborn to the hilt, then again that may be a good way to describe all teenagers. :-D


	4. Part Four

Ooops guess what I forgot to finish? My challenge from months ago, poor thing was just sitting there, victim of my inability to settle on an ending (waaaaaaay too many possibilities). Went with keeping it simple. Hope you enjoy, thanks for reading!

Oh and thanks to Reilynn for coming up with such a good challenge. I think we all took it in interesting directions (and shockingly enough, I am not the last to finish mine). Also thanks for helping nail down Logan's actual switch over to Eyes Only.

* * *

Part Four

Fate didn't happen. Life was a series of defined events. None of them happening for any greater reason than just coincidence.

Seven months ago she'd needed money; she'd dropped into his place because it was the easiest. Fate had nothing to do with it.

She was at his apartment now because Bling had stopped by Crash to inform her Eyes Only was once more alone.

Her head had tilted back and a cocky smile had graced her lips as he'd walked up to the table she'd been chillin' at by herself as OC was filling up the pitcher. She'd smiled, 'Broadening your horizons?' as always knowing it wasn't the case.

'Not quite, I'm taking it things aren't back to normal between you and Logan yet?'

Normal? Normal, as if there'd ever been a 'normal' for them. 'Actually our relationship is more clearly defined now.' _Relationship?_ Why had that one word hurt so much?

She ignored it and continued on in her thoughts.

It hadn't been fate that she stopped by his apartment and discovered his son; it had been Logan being too distracted to call her.

She hated how people always put everything on fate.

This wasn't fate though.

It was the bar had been boring. Original Cindy had gotten caught up in conversation with someone else…

Certainly not fate and definitely not about their 'relationship.'

No, not all.

She didn't hesitate at the door; she opened it easily and headed in, never pausing once.

He was behind his computer and actually working instead of reflecting on life staring out into Seattle.

"Let me guess?" he began as he started to close up the windows after seeing her out of the corner of his eye, "Bling stopped by Crash? Your apartment?"

"Crash," she nodded, "he thought you might want some company."

"Well," he gave a condescending smile as he turned to her, "contrary to popular opinion, I'm fine."

"I can see that," she even allowed her eyes to roll over him. Black pants, blue shirt, basic Logan uniform, topped off by the ever present glasses and casually spiked hair. Not a single sign of a man who'd spent the last few hours grieving for the family who had left him. "You eat yet?"

His head gave a short nod, "No." He paused but only briefly as the need to amend that admission to explain things really were fine, "I had some things I needed to catch up on."

Her eyes shifted to the corners as if studying him and obviously disbelieving him, "Got anything to eat? OC talked Tommy into sharing some of the peanuts they usually only save for the big spenders, but the thought of piss covered nuts didn't really wet my appetite."

Logan looked momentarily disgusted, "Wonder why?" he replied dryly.

She shrugged.

He didn't bother replying, just wheeled past her.

ooOoo

They made piss poor dinner companions, their egos and pride had guaranteed that. She had moments where she forgot she was pissed and was actually nice, he was courteous like normal and scattered their meal with the current events in the world of Eyes Only and the politics of Seattle. Nothing at all like their normal banter that always made them delay the meal to extend it; to savor the entire experience just a bit longer.

She kept having to remind herself though, to not just slip into the old routine again. _ She would not let him hurt her again_. She would not put herself on the line again.

She was surprised after dinner when he asked if she wanted to play a game of chess. More surprise after his groan of defeat when he said "2 out of 3."

She left the room to grab a drink after his second defeat and returned to find him turned away from the game and staring out the window. In truth though, he wasn't staring out the window, he was staring away from her eyes.

"Ever second guess your decisions?" his cool, clear voice asked.

Her eyes focused firmly on the back of his chair and the reflection of Logan looking out of the window and she felt a shiver of pain rush through her, "Yea," she nodded as her eyes looked to the side.

"Hmm," he pondered her agreement.

The haunches were down or at least lowered, it was ask now or never. "Did you love her?" the question startled them both, she hadn't expected to say it, he hadn't expected to hear it.

He turned and looked confused for a moment, before shaking his head, "Probably not. We were young," his shoulders shrugged as if that explained it all, "we tried to make it work for awhile." He chuckled softly to himself as he shook his head, as if amused by what had seemed like a good plan at the time, "We'd actually been broken up for over a month before she told me, I'd already met Valerie," he shook his head.

He caught Max looking at him with interested eyes, "It was a confusing time," he answered them.

"I can imagine," her eyes rolled up.

His eyes went back to looking distracted.

Twenty-five. She tried to imagine Logan at twenty five with a kid. Twenty four finding out your ex was pregnant. That was younger than most of her friends. Logan had been like them once, confused, filled with personal drama, unsure of the path he was supposed to follow in this life.

" Logan?"

He looked up.

"Why does your son live in France?" _How could you send away someone you loved? Send them away without you? _

Guilt flashed through his eyes and he shook his head, "I didn't think about him." He chuckled softly to himself again, "I was so preoccupied with doing the _right_ thing." The word 'right' held a bitter taste for him today as it had quite frequently lately. "I didn't think of him. Call it self-centered, vain," another bitter laugh, "I just never thought that anyone else would be a target for my work besides me."

"Someone-"

He cut her off with a shake, "No, police found the plans after they'd arrested the guy."

_Oh- _

He cut off her thoughts, "Do you have any idea how many children are kidnapped in Seattle each year?"

_Well she'd interrupted one kid-smuggling ring this year…_

"Rich kids and poor kids, both prime targets," he shook his head. "Eight _well-off_ children were kidnapped last year, at least forty attempts were reported, there are a lot more though. Targets just because their parents are rich," he shook his head as if it still amazed him. "Three died last year."

"Three out of how many?"

He just stopped at looked at her. "Does it really matter?"

She shrugged. "Kids die, doesn't matter who their parents are, can't prevent it." _Damn, where had that come from, damn fate stuff. _

"Sometimes you can."

"Could also put your kid in a plastic bubble," a quick head bob and a smirk, "saw it on tv once."

He gave a near silent laugh as he shook his head.

"So why didn't you go with him? You want to keep him safe so badly…"

Another shake of his head as this time he was lost in a thought, full of memories, possibilities that were never going to happen. "Same reason I had to let him go Max. They came after me, they were going to come after him. I couldn't just walk away from it. I couldn't just leave because I…" he shook his head. "I could walk away," he looked down and ruefully smiled as he shook his head, looking at the legs that would never walk again, "I could have a normal life Max. I could slip out of the country and pretend as if it didn't exist, just like so many others. Most can't leave Max. I couldn't walk away because I could."

_Logan and his stupid damn morals, everyone else before him, altruism to the highest power…_They never taught that in Manticore, not like this…You didn't go into a losing battle, not when you had a way out.

"I think I thought I could make a difference," Max's eyes shot back over to Logan as the soft words eventually came out of his mouth after a long silence, he was staring out the window again. "That it would be worth it. My sacrifice, so maybe one day he could be proud of this country. He could come back; people could have lives without fear again. It could be just a little better." His voice finished low with another shake, "It would be worth it."

"You have," she said after a moment.

"Hmm?" his head halfway turned back.

"Made a difference."

A short chuckle of disbelief was his full response.

She was about to go on, remind him of the various lives he'd saved including her own. Logan's week-long list of good deeds was probably bigger than most people's lifetime's. "Don't think I'm going to encourage your boy-scout complex anymore by spouting off your list of good deeds."

He smirked and turned back.

"Knew it, your ego is already large enough and you still wanted me to pat it for you."

A laugh and a shake of his head as his hands remained lingering over the wheels facing her. He started to move, _On with life… _

"She ask you to go?"

He paused, answer enough for her.

"So why didn't you?" she asked his back.

"Call me naïve, part of me still believes," he shook his head, "I made a choice, I'm not going to walk away now."

"Naïve nah," she said following with a shake of her head, "masochist with a god-complex maybe…"

Life in the gray…

Trusting in the unseen…

It was okay for another day.

She didn't know about tomorrow, but it was okay for today.

* * *

**AN:** Umm so that was it. Really hope you didn't hate the ending and I should have gone with a different one. Part of the un-edited (yes shockingly enough I do edit on the rare occasion) was the actual convo with Bling, but I decided to scrap it since I kept non-Max and Logan together moments to a minimum (also why you didn't see any Logan and Beth moments because I had a lot of good ones of those floating around my head). Umm yea so once more, hope I didn't screw up the story with the ending (and I'm so going to be saying that again very soon in a different story). Thanks for all the reviews for the last chapter, I do believe it was the most I ever got for a DA story. **Kyre:** Yea trying to nail down the actual level of guilt was pretty damn difficult. I wanted it to be high though, he has this unintentional way of hurting her when he really doesn't mean to. She just gets the misplaced pain from everything else and he's in this intense 'everything he doesn't have' -including her- kind of time, things he thinks he'll never have/doesn't deserve. (hmm did that just make any sense?) 


End file.
